Needing You
by Gardeners Grow Love
Summary: Of loss and finding yourself again, only to discover what has changed. Reposted with an explanation at the end of 'In Memory'
1. Default Chapter

Needing You  
  
The cool weight of the Millennium Puzzle rested on Yugi's outstretched palm. The boy sighed and turned back to gaze at the night sky through his bedroom window. The stars, they were so pretty tonight, but Yugi hardly noticed them. His mind was numb from thinking too much during the day.  
  
It began innocently enough. Yugi had just graduated along with Anzu, Honda, Bakura and Jounouchi. The senior had grown in stature and maturity so that he and his yami appeared to be reflections of each other. Anzu would often jokingly compare them to the angel and devil representation of conscience, making both hikari and yami smile at the private joke. At least, they used to. During much of Yugi's last year at high school, Yami had been growing more and more distant, fading into a silent brooding figure at the back of his mind. Any attempts on his hikari's part to draw him out ended in a sigh and the click of his soul room being closed. Yugi would spend hours sitting outside in the soft shifting glow of the hallway connecting the two soul rooms, watching the colors of his thoughts make the ornate carvings of Yami's soul door come alive with dancing shadows. Finally, he slipped his Shining Friendship card underneath the door. To his relief, Yami had improved slightly after the incident but then had withdrawn even deeper into his shell. The silence between yami and aibou hardened during the last few weeks of summer as Yugi's rejection turned to anger. Finally, the anger spilled over and Yugi had forced his way into yami's soul room to demand an answer. The boy found his darker half sitting against a faded door propped in the middle of the room that seemingly led nowhere. Yami's eyes were closed and his cheeks stained with dry tears. Anger swiftly changing to concern, Yugi knelt down beside the former pharaoh.  
  
/Yami?/  
  
The crimson eyes flashed open. Yugi had expected to see guilt and embarrassment over showing such emotional weakness. Yami's eyes, however, were far away.  
  
/Yami, what's wrong? Where have you been these past few months?/ "Where are you now?" Yugi whispered softly. Slowly, the crimson eyes shifted back into focus and met violet ones. Both sets shone with sadness, one tender, the other ancient.  
  
"Yugi, aibou, hikari." Yami smiled slightly as the younger boy pulled him into a fierce hug and cried and apologized into his shoulder. The twins sat in front of the dull golden door like this until Yugi's sobs were reduced to shudders. "Yugi," Yami tried again, shifting his aibou so that crimson met violet again. "You've grown up so much. Two feet to be exact." A soft chuckle.  
  
//You know what I mean.// Yugi nodded, slightly confused. He heard in Yami's words a feeling of finality and it scared him. Suddenly, a revelation gripped him. He's leaving. Yugi had known it all along, read it in Yami's behavior in the past few months, the familiar dreams of Egypt he had every night in which a tri-colored hair boy played among the sand and grew up to be a king. But he had refused to accept it. Now, hearing Yami's words, the finality of his leaving covered him like a velvet blanket, suffocating him and making him feel drowsy, etherized.  
  
"Yes, I do, Yami." He knew. They both knew.  
  
Yami slowly got up from the floor, wincing slightly as underused joints popped in protest. Yugi also stood up and noticed that the other boy was holding a golden key with the sennet eye engraved on the key head. Yami saw Yugi look curiously at the key.  
  
"Yugi, I told you before that I could never remember my past." Yugi nodded. "A year ago, after your ordeal in the shadow realm (A/N: for another fic I'm writing, hopefully =), the goddess Isis came to me in a dream and gave me this key. She told me that it would unlock my past, the door in front of us. When I woke up, I found the key in my hand and a door in the middle of my soul room." The two stared at the door. Yugi was afraid that Yami would open it and they would be pulled in by the sands of time. Yami smiled.  
  
"No, aibou, I was not allowed through the door. But I was allowed to see my past." With that, Yami inserted the key into the door. It swung open and a white light poured out, blinding Yugi. Feeling a light touch on his shoulder, Yugi opened his eyes and saw that they were in ancient Egypt. The airy marble hall the two were standing in was obviously the palace, decorated with luxurious cloths and golden ornaments. A slight hint of incense perfumed the air as Yugi turned towards a shout coming from the other end of the hall. He saw a much younger version of Yami (or was it himself?) rush out of the ceremony room with an ankh and a stick of incense, followed by a huffing and very mad priest that looked shockingly similar to Kaiba. Yugi stepped back as the child ran towards him and widened his eyes in surprise as the past Yami ran through him, still pursued by the enraged Kaiba.  
  
"We are visiting the past. This is not real, only memories," Yami explained. He smiled. "Gods, I was a little devil back then. That's probably why Kaiba's obsessed with beating you, he could never catch me when I was young." Yugi chuckled at the thought of a chibi Yami smirking at a Kaiba that had no hope of finding him in the vast Egyptian palace. The scene faded.  
  
Yugi found himself in the center of an elaborate throne room. Seated on the high throne was the Pharaoh of Egypt, Yami's father. He was administering justice to the commoners with Yami and his queen by his side. The event passed in fast forward and night quickly fell. The people had cleared the atrium, leaving the royal family alone. The young Yami's bored expression changed to one of joy as he scooted off his golden seat and pounced onto his father's lap. Slightly surprised, the pharaoh smiled indulgently as his son began to chat incessantly about his day. The current Yami, standing beside Yugi, smiled warmly at the scene.  
  
"I loved my father. He was a strict but just ruler but more importantly, he took the time to be a father." Yami closed his eyes and relished the affection. Yugi glanced at his aibou, then back at the young Yami, who was pulling his father down from the steps towards the gardens. He felt a sense of familiarity then realized that he had seen these events before, during his dreams of Egypt. He had known seen Yami's life unfurl but could never remember them clearly in the morning. Somehow, seeing Yami's past, the past of his own past life, was comforting. He had never known a lot about his yami, and the darker side was never very talkative about his past simply because he did not remember it. Seeing Yami as a child with loving parents and a wild streak for trouble made Yugi love Yami even more. (A/N: not shouen-ai! This is strictly a brotherly/familial love). In so many ways, they were alike. One dark and one light, they were the same.  
  
Again, the scene blurred and the two were relocated on the pinnacle of a pyramid in a small ceremonial tent. An older Yami, roughly the same age as Yugi was now, was dressed in kingly robes and adorned with golden jewelry. He wore a serious expression as an older man, Kaiba dressed in priest's robes, approached him.  
  
"This is the ceremony in which I was crowned pharaoh," Yugi heard Yami explain softly. "My father had just died. He had tried to seal the Shadow Games but failed. He paid with his soul." The pain in the darker half's voice glowed as red as Yami's crimson eyes. Yugi watched the solemn young pharaoh receive the crown of Egypt and the traditional crook and ankh of power in an elaborate ceremony. Phalanxed by the high priests, including a grey-haired Seto Kaiba, the pharaoh walked regally down the steps of the pyramid to greet the joyous crowd gathered to celebrate the occasion. Although the air was festive, the scene was completely silent, save for the pounding footsteps of the pharaoh and the faint roar of a quickly beating heart. Yugi glanced sideways at Yami, who was watching the procession intently. He could still see the noble lines of aristocracy in his features and the confidence of his proud bearing put to rest all doubts that he was once a great ruler of Egypt. Sensing Yugi's eyes on him, the former pharaoh looked at his aibou.  
  
"Yugi." The word seemed to destroy the sacred silence of the memory. //What do you see?//  
  
/I've seen this memory before, in my dreams./ Yami looked slightly surprised by this. /I guess the Millennium Puzzle connects us in a lot of ways besides telepathically. But I've never seen this memory so clearly before./ Turning back to the image of the young pharaoh disappearing in the crowd, Yugi sighed. /You were so brave to continue after your father's death. That's what I identify you by, Yami: courage. You were always the brave one, the one that stood up for me in duels and protected me from danger. I could have never done the things you did./  
  
The scene melted again and Yugi found himself in the heart of a pyramid, in the burial chamber of the pharaoh. He could see the ornate stone sarcophagus in the middle, the room aglow with the soft light of torches. A soft rustle on stone to the left; Yugi turned to see the past Yami. The pharaoh's ceremonial robes were replaced by a plain cotton skirt and he was bare of all jewelry. The traditional black kohl outlining his eyes were smudged and ran down his face, evidence of recently shed tears. The youth approached the coffin reverently and dropped to his knees, laying his head and hands down on the death mask. Quietly, he began to cry.  
  
"I'm not always brave, Yugi." Hikari and yami turned to face each other. "When my father died, I felt lost, alone and afraid, very much like you did before you solved the Millennium Puzzle. I may seem courageous and confident, but even the most lion-hearted of us feel fear." The darker side placed a hand on his aibou's shoulder. "It is not a weakness to fear, Yugi. But you must remember that fear will only conquer you if you let it." Yugi nodded. He was still reeling from the impact of seeing Yami cry. He had always believed that his darker self was infallible in his courage, his confidence a diamond. Although he loved Yami as a brother and respected him as an elder, Yugi had always worshipped Yami as an idol. He had to admit that, as a young boy, he could not help but look to the Millennium spirit as the perfect role model. Yami had been what Yugi had always wanted to be: bold, courageous, smart, confident. For the longest time, he had desired more than anything to emulate his darker self, to become Yami. Seeing that Yami had flaws, like himself, made him seem more human, less as an ideal. Although the sight of his darker self crying brought a dull pain to his own heart, Yugi was glad that Yami had enough trust in him to reveal such a vulnerable side. The shared pain brought light and dark closer together but it also made the moment bitter. Having just discovered the full extent of Yami's character, Yugi was reminded that their time together was growing short. He willed away the tears in his eyes and smiled at his aibou. Taking Yami's hand from his shoulder, they entered the last memory hand in hand.  
  
They were back on top of the pyramid. Instead of cornflower blue skies and smiling peasant faces, a storm swirled the dark sands of Egypt in a fury and the streets were empty of people. Squinting his eyes slightly, Yugi could make out seven figures gathered together in the middle of the ceremonial podium. He saw that they were surrounding seven golden objects: the Millennium artifacts. A faint chanting could be heard above the howling of the winds. Yugi felt Yami tense noticeably as the memory unfolded. Slowly, the dark storm grew in fury until the chanting was buried in the currents of wind. The figures each took a ceremonial dagger and slashed their wrists, spilling blood over the gold items. Suddenly, the seven figures flashed brightly, the Sennen eye engraved in light upon each of their foreheads. The light pierced the center of the storm above the pinnacle of the pyramid and the shadows broke. The storm abruptly quieted. The sand, no longer held up by the wind, fell back to the ground, revealing seven figures prone on the pyramid floor. Gently, the bodies faded, the pharaoh's body the last to disappear. The symbols of the Sennen eye on each golden item flashed briefly as all seven of the sacrificed souls were claimed in order to seal the Shadow Realm. The memory bleached white and faded. Yugi suddenly found himself staring at the dull gold of the memory door in Yami's soul room, still clutching the hand of his darker self.  
  
"That. is how I died." Yami's voice was quiet, his crimson eyes closed. He waited until Yugi had controlled his muffled crying, then turned to his aibou, his eyes opening in a flash of sad red. Yugi dreaded the next words.  
  
"Yugi, I love you as a friend, a son and a brother. You are my other half. I was brought here to help you but I am no longer needed." Seeing Yugi begin to protest, Yami held up his hand. "It is true. Yugi, aibou: I want to go home. But I am bound to the puzzle. I.I need you to set me free. Let my spirit go from your heart." Yami watched as Yugi put his head into his hands to stifle the sobs. It tore his hear to see his aibou crying, but he knew he had to suffer this pain. It was the last trial to prove that Yugi was ready to continue without Yami. The younger boy backed up slowly until he had reached the exit of the soul room. He left wordlessly.  
  
Yugi had shut himself up in his room for an entire week. Anzu, Honda, Bakura, and Jounouchi had gone to visit him and he had explained Yami's decision. The game king had come out briefly to say goodbye to his friends while Yugi paced in the confines of his soul room. After the tearful farewell, Yugi re-emerged.  
  
"I never thought he would leave," said a shocked Anzu, wiping tears from her eyes with a sleeve. The four other boys nodded.  
  
"I.I don't want him to go," Yugi said softly.  
  
"Yugi, we know." Anzu enveloped the boy into a comforting hug.  
  
"Yug, we know it must be hard for ya. But ya have to understand, Yami's given so much to us already. It's time that we gave somethin' back to him. After all," Jou joked, "he's gotta be bored to death after five millennia stuck in a puzzle."  
  
"I don't want to understand!" Yugi violently tore himself away from Anzu and slammed his hand into a wall, making his knuckles bleed. "He said he would always be there for me! But how can he if he's leaving me? Don't make me understand.please, I don't want to understand." He sank to the floor crying. Bakura timidly approached Yugi and placed an arm around his shoulders.  
  
"Yugi, we understand this is hard for you. But Yami will never leave you. He is the other half of yourself. You might not be able to talk to him or feel his presence, but he is you and you are him. You will always remain hikari and yami." Bakura could almost feel his own yami's approval. Yami Bakura had left a while ago but the white-haired boy knew that he could never truly leave. Bakura still wandered his yami's empty soul room from time to time to taste the lingering touches of his yami's presence. He found life without a yami to be a bit lonely, but knew he had to move on, with the help of his friends. He hoped that Yugi would understand.  
  
"But I need him. I can't be hikari without Yami. Without him. I'm nothing."  
  
"That's not true!" Anzu exclaimed. "Yugi, you are in every way as great as Yami. You taught me the power of friendship. You taught Jou to have confidence in himself. You taught Tristan compassion. You gave Bakura strength to stand up to his fears. You don't need Yami anymore, Yugi, not in the way you think. He needs you, right now, to help him. It's time to let him go."  
  
After his friends had left, Yugi spent the rest of the day sitting on his windowsill. The meals Sugouroku brought him remained untouched as the youth stared out the window, eyes lost in thought and Millennium puzzle resting in his hand.  
  
How can I let him go? I need him.Yugi knew he had to face his own truth.  
  
No, I don't need him. I just can't bear the thought of life without him. He was there when no one else was. We are two halves to a whole. But if he leaves, will I be whole without him and him whole without me?  
  
Yami was sitting on the floor of his soul room, back leaning against the memory door, key in hand. His crimson eyes jumped open as he heard the door open and got up. Without a word, Yugi pulled his aibou into a tight hug. When they had separated, Yugi spoke.  
  
"Yami, I'm sorry for being so selfish. I understand now that I.have to let you go." He brushed the tears from his eyes and continued. "I.I just want to say arigatou for everything. Most of all, for teaching me how to live."  
  
"Aibou, it is you who has taught me how to live. Without you, I would have never had a second chance to learn to love." The two embraced again. "Arigatou, aibou. Ashiteru."  
  
Yugi broke the hug first and struggled to remain composure. Taking a couple of deep breaths to calm his shakiness, he took the key from Yami's hand. He knew what to do, as if by instinct. Inserting the key into the memory door, he unlocked it. The door swung open to reveal a gentle radiance, the portal to the realm of souls.  
  
"We will meet again, Yugi, in another life, in another time, in another form. But I'll always be with you, aibou." Smiling one last time at Yugi, Yami stepped through the door and melted into the light. I'll always be with you.  
  
Yugi found himself on the floor of his bedroom, the key still in his hand and cheeks wet with tears. Curling around the now-cold Millennium Puzzle, he cried himself to sleep.  
  
The late-afternoon sun reflected the gold of the puzzle into Yugi's eyes, causing him to wake up. His cheeks were puffy from crying and he felt empty. Yugi dragged himself up and sat with his back to his bed. Fresh tears were threatening to spill after he remembered last night's events. But, to his surprise, he found the strength to feel glad for Yami. He knew that Yami's soul was finally free of burden. Yugi felt that Yami had returned home.  
  
On a burst of effort, he pushed himself off the floor and shuffled to the bathroom to splash cool water over his face. Looking up at the mirror, Yugi gasped as he saw Yami's crimson eyes staring at him in the mirror's reflection. The image smiled, then faded, leaving the reflection of a shocked violet-eyed boy.  
  
I'll always be with you.  
  
For the first time in a long while, Yugi smiled. He felt whole. 


	2. In Memory

Thank you for the quote, zypher All of us have courage; it comes in all shapes and sizes. All you have to do is to follow your heart and let your dreams guide you.  
  
  
  
In Memory  
  
The gentle spring day outside was a crystal blue. Leaves of bright emerald unfolded from the trees awakening from winter sleep. Nature had touched the cold barren cement of Domino City and left unfurling vegetation, tender green shoots springing from the rich dark earth and shy buds that would bloom into Japan's most beloved blossom, the sakura.  
  
All this was reflected in a pair of large purple eyes, which were currently droopy from boredom. Under the bored eyelids, the purple eyes were glazed over in pensive meditation. Yuugi Motou was staring outside the window, wishing the clock would tick faster so school would be dismissed.  
  
"Mr. Motou? I don't suppose you could provide us with the answer as to why the Battle of the Somme was called a bloodbath, hm?"  
  
"The Battle of the Somme is often labelled the bloodiest battle of the Great War or the First World War (1914-1918) because casualties totalled more than 50 000. As was most battles fought during this war, the battle of the Somme was a battle of attrition, when both sides threw massive numbers of soldiers at the opponent in hopes of winning by sheer force of numbers, contributing to the highest casualty rates of any wars during the 20th century, including the casualty statistics for the Korean and Cold War combined." Yuugi rattle off the history as if he were reading from a textbook, his mind far away from the confines of the history classroom. He continued to look out the window.  
  
The teacher stood baffled behind his lectern staring at the student. Shaking his head, he continued to survey the room with a hawk's eye. Most students shrank into their seats, not wanting to get called on.  
  
Class was finally dismissed and, with a collective sigh of relief, the students began to gather their belongings. The room filled with noisy and excited chatter as friends discussed their plans for the spring break. The short violet-eyed youth also began to pack his school things, waiting for the classroom to empty before he walked slowly into the hall. Merging into the flow of the student bodies in the hallway, he let himself be swept away, manoeuvring slightly to get back to his locker. Three other youths were gathered there.  
  
"Hey Yuugi," they collectively greeted him. He made an effort to smile then proceeded to open his locker.  
  
"Thank Kami-sama school is out for a week! I don't think I woulda survived being stuck in this hellhole for another hour, never mind five days." Joey leaned against the lockers.  
  
"I think we're all glad for a break," agreed Anzu.  
  
"Tristan snorted. "If you mean I-would-give-my-right-arm-and-leg-for-a- break glad, I'm a hundred percent behind you. Joey's right, there's only so much of school that you can take."  
  
"Hey Yuug, aren't you glad to be outta jail?"  
  
"Mmhmm, Jou-kun."  
  
Jou raised his eyebrow slightly at his friend's lack of enthusiasm. Usually Yuugi was sparkling with enthusiasm but not today. The blond mentally shrugged. Probably just tired, considering he just had history class. Man, that devil-of-a-teacher could be such an-. "So, you guys have any plans for the week?" Yuugi asked, trying to make conversation.  
  
"Yeah." A broad grin spread over Jou's features. "Mai 'n I are going out tomorrow night, then I'm gonna go visit my mom and Shizuka. It'd be nice to get rid of pops for the week. Oh, by the way Yuug, I was talkin' to Shizuka a coupla days ago and she sends her thanks."  
  
Yuugi smiled. "Anyone would've done the same thing if they were in my position. She's lucky to have a brother like you, Jou." Unused to the praise, Jou flushed slightly.  
  
"So, uhh. that rest of you doing anything the next week?"  
  
Anzu nodded. "I'm using the week to rehearse my new dance. The performance is coming up in about a month and I'm nowhere near ready."  
  
"You'll be fine Anzu. We'll come to cheer you on."  
  
"Thanks, Yuugi." The brunette smiled warmly at her childhood friend, not quite noticing the faraway look in his purple eyes as he smiled back.  
  
"I'm going camping with my parents out of town. Hey Yuug, didn't you say that your grandpa's away visiting a friend? You can come with us if you like. My parents would be happy to have you around." He snickered. "And what I say about outhouses are only half true." Jou opened his mouth to make a comment on facilities that were basically holes in the ground, but thought better of it. Yuugi needed to get out. He had been holed up in the Game Shop for too long, having to look after the store with his grandpa away. Maybe it was the added responsibility of managing the business full- time with the addition of school, but Yuugi had been listless lately, uncharacteristically silent when the group of friends were hanging out. He had taken to wearing more black, like the leather pants and black sleeveless shirt he had on today, offset by heeled black boots. The most unusual change about the slim teenager was his pensive eyes. They were a stormy purple colour, unlike the bright violet that they usually were  
  
A short pause. "Thanks for the offer Tristan but I'm. busy the next week too. I'm. going out of town too."  
  
"Oh? Where to, Yuugi?" Anzu questioned.  
  
"To remember." Yuugi hefted his backpack, closed his locker and waved good- bye to his friends, whose faces reflected puzzlement over the youth's enigmatic answer. They watched him melt into the crowded hallway, gravity- defying hair just visible above the heads of the general student body.  
  
"Something's wrong."  
  
~~ ~~ ~~  
  
Yuugi walked in silence, eyes downcast and seemingly burdened by his backpack. The brilliance of spring greenery bloomed around him, making him look like a dark shadow among the vivid green hues. He was turning around a corner, when a tall form stepped in front of him.  
  
"Yuugi Motou." The youth looked up at the voice and was met with a pair of icy blue eyes.  
  
"Seto," he acknowledged the taller boy in the same formal manner.  
  
"If you are free tonight, it would be a pleasure to challenge you to a duel. I haven't duelled a worthy opponent in quite some time. Mokuba has also been asking about you. I'm sure he would be pleased if you spent the evening at our mansion." The Kaiba spoke with courtesy but couldn't quite mask the authoritative business-like tone he was so accustomed to.  
  
"I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint. I'm. going out of town tonight."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Say hi to Mokuba for me. Maybe we can duel some other time, Seto. Good- bye." With that, Yuugi walked past the teenage CEO. Icy blue eyes followed the retreating figure. They narrowed as Kaiba analyzed their brief conversation. Yuugi had never refused to duel before. Deciding it wasn't his problem, only his disappointment, the tall duelist walked off towards the nearby elementary school where his brother was waiting for him.  
  
~~ ~~ ~~  
  
The Turtle Game Shop in Domino City lay still and quiet, a "closed" sign hanging in the doorway. Without a single occupant, the store looked small and forlorn, tucked in the shadows of the calm spring night. A solitary figure, shoulders hunched and hands jammed in the pockets of his jeans, walked up to the store and pressed against the glass of the display. He was soon joined by two other figures, both of which approached the Game Shop to vainly search for its owner.  
  
"Guess you guys were worried about him too." Anzu's voice trailed off.  
  
"He's been pretty distant lately. Definitely not himself," speculated Honda.  
  
"Well, I see this is where I join the club." A dry voice made the trio turn around. Jou started slightly at seeing the brown-haired genius. It wasn't like Kaiba to actually care about anyone outside his narrow circle of friends and family; namely Mokuba. Yet, under the rasp of sarcasm, there was a note of concern, out of place in the normally cool commanding tone.  
  
"What are you doing here, Kaiba?"  
  
"Same reason the three of you are here. Yuugi's gone. I phoned the Game Shop an hour ago and the voice machine picked up. Message said it'll be closed for the week." Silence descended on the group.  
  
"We've gotta find him, ask him what's wrong." Jou hated being helpless when his friends were in pain. Yuugi had once asked him a riddle, and he had replied with an answer that he had taken to heart and never forgotten. He set his jaw in determination, though some part of him wondered where in the whole of Japan they could find him. The rational one of the group, Kaiba echoed this sentiment.  
  
"We don't have any idea where he could have gone. It would be a fruitless search"  
  
"There's gotta be something we can do." Surprisingly, it was a soft British accent that put the discussion to rest.  
  
"There's nothing to be done in looking for him, Jou, although I understand that you feel as if you need to do something to help. The best thing to do is to just give him space. He will come back on his own." Ryou quietly joined the group huddled in front of the Game Shop.  
  
"Ryou, do you know where he is?" Anzu inquired.  
  
"To remember."  
  
~~ ~~ ~~  
  
The train rattled in a soothing clatter away from Domino City. Yuugi sat on a narrow fold-out chair by the window, looking at the night-shrouded scenery pass by. The buildings and apartments of urban life had been abandoned long before, replaced by rows square fields drifting away into the distance, interspersed by simple farming communities. The countryside was soothing, as was the rattle of the train speeding towards his destination. It calmed the youth's nerves to be far away from Domino, from his friends. Vaguely, he wondered if they had noticed his odd behaviour of late, then shrugged it off. He would apologize to them when he got back; after all, they were busy with their own activities. Surely they wouldn't miss him. He didn't want them to worry or suspect anything was amiss. Considerate as he usually was, Yuugi reflected that this time, his concern for his friends' feelings were entirely selfish. He didn't want their persistent inquiries into his moodiness. With a slight flash of annoyance, he thought that he had every right as they to be sad, unhappy, depressed. Even the calmest summer day could darken and boil into a hurricane.though to be fair it wasn't like him at all to erupt into a storm of moodiness. Not like him. like whom then? So what if he wasn't his light cheery self and more like. Yuugi swallowed the small lump in his throat. Damn these train compartments and their colonies of ancient dust bunnies.  
  
Abruptly, the teenager got up, stretching his tall lean frame. Quickly and quietly, he moved down the length of the train to the eating coach, where he drank a glass of water. Returning to his assigned car, violet eyes turned briefly towards the cramped sleeping cabin, where three bunk beds were stacked on top of each other, two rows on each side of the room. The compartment held only two people and two small suitcases plus his bag on the topmost bunk to the right, better than most days when passengers literally slept stacked on top of each other. Careful not to make any noise, the tri-colour haired boy perched on the edge of the lowermost bunk with cat-like grace and retrieved his duffel bag. It was light, containing only a few necessities. Clutching it loosely to his chest, Yuugi took his seat again by the window to watch the night roll by.  
  
The train cut through the night like a knife steadily gliding through cream. The sun rose, highlighting the countryside with the glow of a fresh spring morning. Its golden rays found their way into the train's compartment, where they lighted upon a figure sleeping by the window. The boy stirred and hugged the bag he held in his hands closer to him, finding comfort in its proximity.  
  
"Konnichiwa, passengers." Bleary violet eyes opened then winced at the sunlight. "We will be arriving in Nara in an hour. Please be ready with all your belongings fifteen minutes before your arrival for a quick departure. In the meantime, enjoy your complimentary breakfast in the dining coach. Waitresses will also be coming around with coffee, tea, and breakfast boxes. Thank you for choosing Todaji Express. We hope your stay with us was pleasant and that you enjoy your stay in Nara."  
  
Awakened by the announcement, passengers were beginning to bustle through their morning routines. Yuugi watched them briefly, then rose from his seat and stretched muscles that were sore from sleeping in such an awkward position. A waitress pushing a tray full of food accidentally bumped into him, causing him to drop his duffel bag. Yuugi glared at her as she hastily picked it up, muttering apologies. The waitress hurried down the hall to get away from the angry red-purple eyes. Yuugi sighed. Was nothing sacred anymore? He hefted the bag, placing an arm around it protectively despite the fact that it jabbed into his arms, and sauntered off to the dining room in search of coffee.  
  
He had just set the empty and still-warm mug down on the table when he felt the train roll smoothly to a halt. Taking his place in a line-up of people, the tall youth waited patiently to get off the train. Bags of luggage jostled into him, followed by soft murmurs of apology. He made no move to move into a less crowded place, only cradling his duffel bag more cautiously. Finally, the passengers spilled out onto the train platform. Since it was early morning, the train station was relatively quiet, save for the small influxes of people boarding and departing from the trains. Yuugi followed the general dispersion of people, heading towards the exit. Ticket in hand, he moved efficiently past the necessary procedures and pushed through a turnstile to leave the station.  
  
The black-clad boy ambled almost aimlessly down the sidewalk, stopping occasionally to examine the price listings of car and bike rentals posted on the shop display-fronts that lined the street. Deciding they were all too expensive, he opted to consult a bus stop schedule. There was a bus leaving for the Nara Satomiya Shrine every ten minutes after nine o'clock. Yuugi checked his watch; eight forty-five. So, he leaned against the railings to wait. The bus arrived early and picked up several passengers, most of whom were carrying large bags full of offerings or saimotsu for the various kamis or deities of the shrine. Taking a seat near the back, Yuugi suddenly felt embarrassed. Thinking that it would be a quick and light trip, he had packed in less than ten minutes, wanting to get away from Domino as early as possible. He had not brought offerings for the shrine, not did he have the money to spare for donation. Unaware of the slight blush that softened his cheeks, Yuugi spent the rest of the bus ride pondering over his dilemma, his mind simmering with anxiety.  
  
The bus quickly made its way through the quiet suburbs of Nara. Leaving the residential areas behind, it began to travel uphill. Houses and buildings gave way to forest, the youthful spring green shading the bus from the increasing heat of the late morning sun. The trees stretched their branches towards the sky, upraising their arms so that their leaves created an emerald canopy through which flecks of sunlight escaped through to dapple the road below. Every once so often, a small hokora shrine decorated the side of the road, surrounded by a semi-circle of offerings such as fresh flowers and fruits with an occasional plate of rice balls arranged immaculately.  
  
After an hour's travel, the woods opened to a clearing containing several buildings. The structures were arranged around a central courtyard, an open space paved with white stones interspersed with several sakura trees in mid-bloom, with a prayer space in the middle. A torrii gateway served as an entrance, flanked by stone statues of two canine guardians, shishi- koma-inu. The bus stopped, unloading its passengers. Yuugi waited until the crowd had thinned, then made his way towards the torrii, slightly apprehensive. As he stepped through the gateway, he was surprised to feel a wave of peace wash through him. Stepping through the torrii was like stepping into another world, one disconnected from the worries and burdens of reality. He closed his eyes briefly, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from him. The amethyst eyes opened again, reflecting the morning sun in a strangely clear way. With a lighter step, Yuugi walked to the plain administrative building. An old priest was there, talking to two younger apprentices that he sent out on an errand. The purple-robed elder's deep mahogany eyes fell on his visitor.  
  
"Konnichiwa, Guji-sama." Yuugi bowed.  
  
"Konnichiwa-"  
  
"Yuugi."  
  
"Yuugi. Is there something you need?"  
  
Yuugi hesitated slightly. "Yes, I have a request."  
  
"Speak."  
  
"I would like to request a Sôsai ceremony."  
  
"Such ceremonies are usually not performed at shrines." Yuugi hesitated slightly. The priest's tone of voice was plainly honest. He noticed also that he had not been outright rejected.  
  
"Yes, I realize that, but I would like to pay respect to a mikoto. He did not have a proper ceremony honouring his.death and I feel as if I owe this to him." The piercing mahogany eyes searched the violet ones, with vision as bright and sharp as an eagle's. It was almost as if Yuugi had laid his soul out for the priest to read. The elder took his times perusing the pages of the soul, making the boy nervous. "Onegai, he was very important to me."  
  
"Before I perform the ceremony, I ask two things in return. The ujiko need help in the maintenance of the shrine. You will help them with whatever tasks they need. In return, you are welcome to stay at the shrine in the caretaker's cottage" Yuugi nodded.  
  
"Secondly, you must perform an o-hyakudo." Puzzlement coloured the younger boy's face. "Now," the priest said, ignoring the visitor's non-verbal question, "the ujiko will familiarize you with the maintenance needs." He pointed towards a smaller building slightly removed from the shrine compound.  
  
"Arigatou, guji-sama." Yuugi bowed and left to find the caretaker.  
  
~~ ~~ ~~  
  
Yuugi blew the golden bangs out of his tired purple eyes and continued to meticulously scrub the floor. He could almost see his reflection on the wet wood. The wooden floor was smooth and well worn by the feet of many worshippers come to pay respect to the kami. Their unhurried feet had softened the natural grooves of the wood until they were nonexistent, the planks as even as the quiet that hung over the temple. The uniformity of the planks soothed the boy in an odd fashion. The cloth he was using to clean the floor slid back and forth in an even rhythm. He enjoyed the calm, relishing in the warm fatigue in his muscles, the way a general weariness wrapped around his brain, the slow bleaching of the colour of the floor as it slowly dried. He was glad that he was too tired to think, to feel anything other than the skin of his fingertips get wrinkly. The cloth continued its journey back ad forth over the wood, making occasional stops at a bucket of water. Then back to the mesmerising rhythm of back and forth on the mahogany mirror.  
  
A whisper of movement interrupted the methodical swish of the cloth.  
  
"Here, change into this." The priest pressed a clean change of clothing into the youth's hands and walked out. Clad in simple white robes, Yuugi stepped out into the sun-lit compound, where he found the old monk waiting for him. The priest's brown eyes caught his and he turned, heading towards the woods on the edge of the cluster of buildings. Yuugi jogged until he had almost caught up to the older man, then fell in step with his stride behind him. Briefly, he wondered where they were going. The smell of earth filled the air. Few people worshipping at the shrine ventured into the wood, only for brief strolls before returning to the city, and all ceremonies took place in the haiden. The wind breathed between the blossoms of the sakura-laden trees. The two men continued in silence a good way into the wood, walking in tandem.  
  
A faint noise raised its voice over the thrum of the forest. It grew louder until Yuugi identified it as running water. The priest slipped over several large boulders easily and disappeared. Yuugi followed over the mossy rocks, nearly tripping in the process.  
  
"Remove your shoes." The priest was standing barefoot in the small stream with his trousers rolled up. The boy followed suite, laying his shoes on the bank. The water was icy cold, producing a shiver which the boy tried to suppress. The older man dipped his hands in the water, washing his face. The youth watched, fascinated, conscious of the freezing waters that swirled around his ankles. The priest stopped, cocking his head to look at the boy. The youth bent over stiffly and washed. He felt the cold pierce his warm cocoon of fatigue, jolting his brain. The cold stayed on his skin a long time, as if it had nestled into his muscles and refused to let go. But he felt clean, as he continued trudging deeper into the wood behind the priest.  
  
They reached a clearing. Small tufts of grass grew on the dirt field between a large stone and an enormous tree, both layered with age. The priest approached the stone and bowed before it. He turned his sharp mahogany eyes on the youth.  
  
"You will be performing the hyakudomairi, the hundred pilgrimages here. You will walk from the shrine," he pointed at the rock, "to the tree and back a hundred times, each time performing a bow." He turned. "Take as long as you need." And with that, the priest disappeared into the wood, leaving the boy unsure of what to do.  
  
A sigh later, the white-clad youth bowed before the rock, feeling slightly ridiculous. Walk to the tree, touch its rough brown bark and marvel at its gigantic height. He saw strings of paper offerings encircling some of the branches, which shuddered at a sudden gust of strong wind. He turned back to the rock, walking to it and bowing. One. Only Ninety-nine more to go. Soon, he fell into a rhythm. Walk, stop before the tree, turn around, walk, bow before the stone, turn. Like everything else associated with the shrine, the activity followed rhythms and cycles that made life repetitive and freed the mind to think and the soul to wander. The world faded to only the tree, the rock and the thin line of grass that separated the two. Soon, even these mundane and trivial objects of physical reality faded.  
  
When Yuugi raised his eyes from the ground, he was staring into darkness. Puzzled, he stopped. The clearing was gone, everything swallowed by an inky night. Deprived of sight, he extended his other senses. His feet were still grounded on something solid, his body was standing in a vertical position, his hand. there was something in his hand. Out of instinct, he held it in front of his face, only to realize that he could not see. He ran his hands over the object. Smooth, with regular ridges. Cold, like metal, with strange flat planes. Irregularly shaped. The weight was familiar and comforting. He gripped it closely. When he it jabbed into his chest, he realized what it was.  
  
He began walking forward, tentatively at first, then at a normal pace. He didn't know where he was or where he was going, but he felt like doing something. Standing around wasn't going to get him anywhere. If anything, he reasoned, perhaps he had stayed too long in the clearing and night had fallen without his knowing it. He should get back to the shrine. but that did not account for the object in his hands.  
  
Yuugi had not been walking for long before he bumped into something. Stretching out a hand, he felt it was rough and large. A wall. Frustrated and annoyed, he rubbed a bruise as he wished for lights. Suddenly, to his surprise, dim lighting flickered into place. He could see that he was in the middle of some sort of maze, fenced in by walls made of sand-coloured limestone. Okay, so much for his theory that he was lost in the woods on the outskirts of Nara. Odd, he had seen this place before but the knowledge eluded him, playing on the edge of his brain. Trying to remember, he walked in a random direction and yelped in surprise as a giant axe swung down at him seemingly from nowhere. Quick reflexes made him drop and roll to the side. The axe imbedded itself into a wall, chipping off small pieces of stone. He lay there, trying to force his pounding heart to relax and tasting the fear in his dry mouth. Where and what was this place? He had never felt more alone.  
  
Forcing himself onto his feet, he warily crept across a corridor, testing each foot before walking forward. His caution was rewarded when several non-descript niches in the right wall suddenly fired a dozen arrows, missing him by an inch. He shook with relief and continued, hoping fervently to stumble out of the maze alive. After roughly half an hour, each minute stretched out by Yuugi's taut nerves, and setting thirty traps, two of which managed to do some rather painful damage, the youth was exhausted. He stumbled turning left, then caught himself just in time and surveyed his surroundings. He was in a large arena. The walls were a continuous mass of stone; a dead end. Yuugi turned to leave then jerked in surprise. The opening that he had just come through had disappeared, replaced by the taunting stone blocks. Frantically, he searched for an opening, but found none. He ran his hands over the entire expanse of the walls, hoping to find some hidden exit but the bricks remained unyielding.  
  
Yuugi sat leaning on a wall. There was no way out. He was trapped in this room. There was no hope of rescue. Perhaps. perhaps he would die in here, in this vast empty room, and nothing would be left except a grotesque skeleton clutching a golden pyramid like some failed thief. He clutched the once magical millennium item to his chest, wishing for a strong hand and a deep comforting voice. Perhaps, it was better if he did meet death. He was tired of life; its colors were faded and its light was dim. He knew that a vast portion of himself had died already. He felt the emptiness inside. Ever since. since he left - he couldn't even bring himself to think the name, it was too painful. His other half was gone and it was only a matter of time now that his own half would follow. Then he would be reunited with his other.  
  
But I'm not ready to die yet, a small voice whispered. Yuugi felt a hand brush away some of the tears on his face. Startled, half in shock and half in some delusional hope, he looked up.  
  
"I'm not ready to die yet, and neither are you." The clear purple eyes looked into his own blood-shot ones. Yuugi was rooted to the spot, so hypnotized by those wide purple eyes that were so familiar that he almost didn't feel a gentle tug pulling the millennium puzzle out of his hands.  
  
"No, I need that." he protested feebly. But he made no attempt to take it back. The weight, it was gone.  
  
"You don't need this anymore." With that, the puzzle vanished. Yuugi's throat constricted. This piece of his past- his wish, his first friend, his other half, crimson eyes, deep voice, that cocky grin, the magical presence. Images raced through his mind as the memories he had struggled to forget flooded through him. He squeezed his eyes shut, yet they still came. It was too much, too painful. He cried, letting his grief flow and flow.  
  
Yuugi felt emptied and more tired than he had ever felt before, but he also felt strangely light. For the first time in many months, he felt calm and peaceful. Wiping away the last of his tears, he turned slightly puffy eyes to look at the patient purple ones.  
  
"I. It's been a long time."  
  
"I know." Yuugi paused, unsure of how to continue.  
  
"Why are you here? Why am I here?"  
  
"You felt the emptiness within yourself. Half a person cannot live. We're two halves. Light and dark cannot exist without each other. I am your light, as you are my dark." Yuugi nodded.  
  
"What about.?" The other smiled.  
  
"The past. We are the future, but are you ready?" Yuugi thought about the last couple of months, how the dark oppressive storm of his grief had trapped him in darkness and pushed away the light until each day was a waking nightmare. He didn't want that anymore.  
  
"Yes, I'm ready." He reached a hand towards his light. The purple eyes shimmered as a hand reached out to touch his.  
  
"I've missed you." Light returned to the darkness as two became one whole.  
  
~~ ~~ ~~  
  
Yuugi sat up in the dark, aware that it was night. He remained sitting in the clearing for a long while, staring at the dark canvas of the night sky, milky with starlight. The shadows slowly moved as the silver moon hung overhead. The stars patiently journeyed toward the horizon. The world turned about on its axis and the night passed, while the youth sat in the clearing, embraced by the night's darkness.  
  
He still felt pain. The grief and sorrow had been deep. They were knives that had cut him and though the wounds were closed now, the scars would always remain. But he could finally face it. Yami was gone. There was nothing he could do to change that. Yuugi exhaled gently, warm breath blowing over his cold hands. And smiled.  
  
He had spent months trying to accept his loss, turning the logical arguments over and over in his mind. But no matter how many times he had repeated them, they never had the conviction that made him believe. He had given up and fell into denial. Denial was a deep dark emptiness that one teeters at the edge of, not knowing that they have fallen in until they are rescued, if ever. That's what he had felt; like he was falling into darkness. Yet, it had been comforting in a strange way. He had embraced the enveloping darkness, unconsciously substituting it for what he had lost. Yami had been the dark part of his soul, he realized now, and being wholly light, he had needed balance after Yami had left. So, he had welcomed the night. But instead, it had consumed him.  
  
The memory of the feelings wreathed around his heart in a smoky haze. Depression, loathing, self-pity; they had swirled around him, sucking him deeper into their gloomy depths. Yuugi shuddered, but forced himself to continue. He had lost himself and instead of finding the dark balance to his light, he had become the night. Somewhere in the degenerate path of self-destruction, he had ceased to be light. An ironic smile played on his lips.  
  
He had come to the temple in search for closure and in an attempt to regain the dark half of his soul he had lost, for a person cannot exist with only half a soul. He had expected to find darkness. But he had been mistaken. The smile remained, though it had lost its tired jaded quality. Instead, it was glad. Its happiness was tempered by sorrow, the innocence mixed with experience. But it was a beautiful smile that made its owner's violet eyes bright. Perhaps they were bright with tears, but the clearing is too dark to tell. The clear silence of the just breaking dawn is interrupted by a small chuckle of laughter. It grows and swells to laughter, waves of sound rising out of the clearing to greet the golden light of morning. In the light, it can be seen that there are tears in the boy's eyes, though his laughter is as bright as the sun's rays. But then, sadness cannot exist without joy, as darkness cannot exist without light. And so, passed the night into day. 


End file.
